


A Bear For Kakuzu

by jashinist_feminist



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Crudeness, Fluff, M/M, Modern AU, Teddy Bears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-28 17:27:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16246388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jashinist_feminist/pseuds/jashinist_feminist
Summary: Hidan and Kakuzu go to Build-A-Bear on a date and Kakuzu won’t make a bear for Hidan. So Hidan goes online and decides to “get his own bear” for Kakuzu instead.Written for the Kakuhidaweek2018, for the prompt 'free for all.'





	A Bear For Kakuzu

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote this a little while ago and decided to hold onto it for a while to post for this day XD
> 
> You can see the Monster Mushion that Hidan orders for Kakuzu here: https://www.firebox.com/Monster-Mushions/p8131
> 
> Now imagine Hidan's face blown up across that. You can thank me later XD

Hidan wrapped his arm tightly around Kakuzu’s, and then took a deep sip of the slushie that Kakuzu had bought for him. It was rare that Kakuzu ever spend money, much less on Hidan, but he had a discount code for the new slushie store that had opened up in the local shopping centre, and so Hidan was treated. Touched by this small gesture, Hidan practically hopped along after Kakuzu cheerily.

With Hidan happy, Kakuzu was also in a surprisingly good mood. Which was unusual for them both, as Hidan hated being dragged around the shopping centre, and Kakuzu hated dragging him around the shopping centre even more.

“Hey Kuzu!” Hidan pointed across the shopping centre at their local Build-A-Bear store. “Look! Let’s go and make a bear!”

“Why do you want to make a bear?” frowned Kakuzu, glancing down at Hidan. “How old are you?”

“That’s not the point,” Hidan protested. “At least let me go and see them.”

“Fine,” groaned Kakuzu, letting Hidan drag him inside.

Inside the store, the bright yellow walls glared at them. Overly cheerful assistants bounded over to greet them. Kakuzu sent them scuttling away with a glare. He followed Hidan over to the tubs of bears that could be made, watching as Hidan pulled out a few that he liked.

“Why do you want to pay to stuff an empty bear carcass?” complained Kakuzu. “What’s fun about that?”

“It’s the whole experience!” complained Hidan. His fingers grasped in the tub, and then he held up a bear with white fur and pink eyes. “Look, Kuzu, doesn’t he look like me?”

“No. It’s an empty stuffed bear skin,” scolded Kakuzu.

“Make him for me, Kuzu!” pleaded Hidan. He made puppy-eyes at Kakuzu. “He’s not that expensive…he’s like twenty bucks.”

“No.”

“Go on!” whined Hidan. “It’ll be fun! It’ll be a nice way to commemorate the day…I could get him a little pendant and a pretend scythe, and it could be like me, and when I’m out for the night you could cuddle him instead.”

“When you’re out for the night I enjoy the peace and quiet,” retorted Kakuzu.

“Please!”

“No!”

Hidan tossed the empty bear back into the tub. “Kisame would make Itachi a bear. Sasori would make a bear for Deidara. Even Leader-bitch would make one for Konan. And I bet Zetsu would make a bear for Tobi.”

“Come on,” growled Kakuzu. “We’ve still got stuff to get.”

Hidan pouted, then followed Kakuzu back out of Build-A-Bear. He skulked along through the shopping centre, having finished his slushie down to the flavourless dregs of ice at the bottom and being thoroughly disappointed that Kakuzu hadn’t made him a bear.

When they got home, instead of snuggling next to Kakuzu on the sofa like he usually would have done, Hidan sat in the armchair and pulled out his laptop. He scrolled through Facebook, liking Deidara’s selfies and pictures of his art, knowing that it would cheer Dei up. But then he spotted a picture of Itachi holding up a stuffed cuddly shark toy, and smiling. Usually Itachi looked sombre and subdued, but he looked positively delighted.

Hidan squinted, and realised that Itachi was standing in the same Build-A-Bear store that he and Kakuzu had visited earlier that day. He scrolled back up to read the caption.

_‘Best day out with **Kisame**. He even bought me a new friend!’_

How come Kisame would buy Itachi a bear – well, a shark – but Kakuzu wouldn’t buy one for him? Hidan huffed, and resumed scrolling. As Hidan scrolled further down Facebook, he noticed an advert of the side of the screen. Usually, he would have glanced straight past it, having absolutely no use for the crap that blared up on his feed. But this particular post caught his eye.

_Monster Mushions._

Hidan clicked on the link, and it took him to a website. He scanned through the description of the item, realising that for the same price as a bear from Build-A-Bear, he could have his face printed and blown up onto a giant cuddly cushion.

He glanced back over at Kakuzu, who was flicking through television channels, and sipping at his evening tea. Hidan burrowed back down behind the laptop screen, so that Kakuzu wouldn’t see the mischievous grin that spread across his face.

Scrolling back through Facebook, Hidan went onto Deidara’s profile and then found an ugly, unflattering picture that Deidara had snapped of Hidan mid-rant about Jashin, and then saved it to his computer. He clicked back on the website for the Monster Mushions, and then got to work.

* * *

_Several days later…_

Hidan waited in eager anticipation for his Monster Mushion to arrive. He’d had a notification text on his phone that it was out for delivery today, and he sat on the buzzing with excitement. He waited all morning before realising that he really needed to go to the bathroom. Hidan reluctantly slunk upstairs, and was just sitting down on the toilet, when he heard the doorbell ring.

Hidan struggled back upright, yanked his trousers back up, then ran down the stairs, two at a time.

Already Kakuzu was almost at the door. Hidan shoved past him, ignoring Kakuzu’s protests, and then yanked open the door to the postman.

The postman clutched a giant box, and stared at Hidan over the top.

“Delivery for Hidan?” he asked.

“That’s me!” grinned Hidan.

The postman laid down the parcel. Hidan signed for it, then carried it into the house.

“What is that?” asked Kakuzu, staring at the box as Hidan ran upstairs with it. “What have you been wasting our money on?”

“Nothing!” shouted Hidan, holding it away from Kakuzu and hurrying up the stairs.

“What is it?” demanded Kakuzu, folding his arms and standing at the bottom of the stairs.

“It’s nothing!” Hidan repeated.

“Don’t think you can pull the wool over my eyes, I know all of your tricks!” shouted Kakuzu.

“New clothes!” lied Hidan. “You’re always telling me to wear a shirt!”

He slammed shut their bedroom door, and locked it. He laid the box on the bed, and then ripped off the Sellotape. He opened up the cardboard box, and then howled with laughter when he looked at what he’d had made. It was even better than he’d imagined it was going to be.

Hidan’s printed face stretched across the fabric of the cushion, mutating his features to have extra wide manic eyes, a giant forehead, and a terrifyingly eager grin. His tongue lolled out of his mouth, his teeth gleamed on bright white fabric, and his nostrils flared. The entire cushion was half the size of Hidan’s body, and there was absolutely nowhere in the house that it could be easily concealed.

“This is fucking hilarious!” he giggled. He folded up the cardboard box and shoved it in the bin, then hunted for the wrapping paper. It wasn’t Kakuzu’s birthday, or Christmas, or even Valentine’s Day, but Hidan decided there was nothing wrong with treating his husband to the impromptu gift of…his face.

Once the Monster Mushion was wrapped up, Hidan made his way downstairs with it.

“Where have you been?” demanded Kakuzu, as he sat at the dining table, sorting through their various utility bills.

“What do you mean?” asked Hidan innocently.

“Why did you sneak off just now suspiciously?” asked Kakuzu, pushing his reading glasses further up on his nose, studying their gas bill intently.

“You know we went to Build-A-Bear a few days ago, and you wouldn’t make me a bear?” said Hidan.

“You mean I refused to waste my money on stuffing a bear carcass,” corrected Kakuzu.

“Well, I’ve made you something,” said Hidan.

Kakuzu stared over his glasses at Hidan, then took them off to face Hidan properly. “What?”

Hidan held out the wrapped up Monster Mushion.

Kakuzu accepted it, frowning.

“Open it,” said Hidan.

“What’s inside?”

“You’ll find out,” replied Hidan. “It’s a nice surprise!”

Kakuzu began to tug at the wrapping paper, to reveal the Monster Mushion. Hidan watched as Kakuzu’s face fell in absolute disgust as he held it at arm’s length away from him.

“What is this meant to be?” he demanded, waving it back at Hidan. “Why have I got your face blown up on a cushion?”

“Instead of a bear! Since you wouldn’t make me one,” pouted Hidan. “So I made you a cushion instead.”

“So, instead of a bear, now I can sit on your face,” stated Kakuzu, staring at the Monster Mushion.

“That’s right!” grinned Hidan, laughing at the innuendo.

Kakuzu glared at him. “And _fart_.”

**Author's Note:**

> Credit for the punchline goes to Shadow! XD


End file.
